Insecure

Insecurity is a very real thing in my life. Not only with body image, which I'm sure many young women struggle with, but also with feeling secure in a relationship.

So far, the 365 project has opened to my eyes to what is and can be beautiful. It's not what Hollywood tells us, but rather, beauty can be how I see myself. In the past 71 days, I've learned that I can feel good about myself, and that I don't have to have the perfect body or the perfect skin, or the perfect hair, to be beautiful. Beautiful is merely the outward expression of how you feel on the inside.

As for relationship insecurity, this is still something that I struggle greatly with. Being in a long distance relationship only sharpens those insecurities too. However, I've discovered that with my own changes in how I see myself, so too have the insecurites involving my relationship changed. As I come to accept myself, it then becomes easier to let myself be loved and appreciated.

I imagine there is no easy fix or either, just time. So time is what I'm taking. Discovering myself, feeling beautiful, and letting myself trust that, yes, I can be loved, appreciated and seen as beautiful in another's eyes.

My Prayer To God

Dear Lord,

Why is it always at night that such dreadful thoughts plague me? I worry Lord, for Nick. What am I to do when he is someday gone from me, off to fight a war and perhaps never return to my arms. How will I live, Lord? How will life hold any luster or worth? When he breaths, I inhale, when his heart beats, mine answers with a beat of its own. If I were to lose that partner, how would I know when to breathe, how would my heart know when to beat? How could I survive?

I can endure any absence but such a great loss would destroy me.

I know that he would rather be taken, if the life he would have to lead after would not really be life at all. "Confined to a bed is no life at all," he tells me. With this, I understand.

But it only makes me pray harder that you protect him from all sorts of harm!

And so I pray, the same prayer that you have heard every night since I found out he would indeed be a Marine....

Please keep Nicholas safe. Protect him from all harm that comes his way
and bring him back to me, so that we can live the long life we often speak of
and raise the children that we imagine. Surround him with your love, surround him in my love. When he is tired, take my love and make it strength. Help him, love
him, protect him. I can ask for nothing more nor will I ask for more.

In Jesus Name.

Amen

The Most Beautiful Love Letter

July the 14th, 1861
Washington DC

My very dear Sarah:

The indications are very strong that we shall move in a few days - perhaps tomorrow. Lest I should not be able to write you again, I feel impelled to write lines that may fall under your eye when I shall be no more.

Our movement may be one of a few days duration and full of pleasure - and it may be one of severe conflict and death to me. Not my will, but thine 0 God, be done. If it is necessary that I should fall on the battlefield for my country, I am ready. I have no misgivings about, or lack of confidence in, the cause in which I am engaged, and my courage does not halt or falter. I know how strongly American Civilization now leans upon the triumph of the Government, and how great a debt we owe to those who went before us through the blood and suffering of the Revolution. And I am willing - perfectly willing - to lay down all my joys in this life, to help maintain this Government, and to pay that debt.

But, my dear wife, when I know that with my own joys I lay down nearly all of yours, and replace them in this life with cares and sorrows - when, after having eaten for long years the bitter fruit of orphanage myself, I must offer it as their only sustenance to my dear little children - is it weak or dishonorable, while the banner of my purpose floats calmly and proudly in the breeze, that my unbounded love for you, my darling wife and children, should struggle in fierce, though useless, contest with my love of country?

I cannot describe to you my feelings on this calm summer night, when two thousand men are sleeping around me, many of them enjoying the last, perhaps, before that of death -- and I, suspicious that Death is creeping behind me with his fatal dart, am communing with God, my country, and thee.

I have sought most closely and diligently, and often in my breast, for a wrong motive in thus hazarding the happiness of those I loved and I could not find one. A pure love of my country and of the principles have often advocated before the people and "the name of honor that I love more than I fear death" have called upon me, and I have obeyed.

Sarah, my love for you is deathless, it seems to bind me to you with mighty cables that nothing but Omnipotence could break; and yet my love of Country comes over me like a strong wind and bears me irresistibly on with all these chains to the battlefield.

The memories of the blissful moments I have spent with you come creeping over me, and I feel most gratified to God and to you that I have enjoyed them so long. And hard it is for me to give them up and burn to ashes the hopes of future years, when God willing, we might still have lived and loved together and seen our sons grow up to honorable manhood around us. I have, I know, but few and small claims upon Divine Providence, but something whispers to me - perhaps it is the wafted prayer of my little Edgar -- that I shall return to my loved ones unharmed. If I do not, my dear Sarah, never forget how much I love you, and when my last breath escapes me on the battlefield, it will whisper your name.

Forgive my many faults, and the many pains I have caused you. How thoughtless and foolish I have oftentimes been! How gladly would I wash out with my tears every little spot upon your happiness, and struggle with all the misfortune of this world, to shield you and my children from harm. But I cannot. I must watch you from the spirit land and hover near you, while you buffet the storms with your precious little freight, and wait with sad patience till we meet to part no more.

But, O Sarah! If the dead can come back to this earth and flit unseen around those they loved, I shall always be near you; in the garish day and in the darkest night -- amidst your happiest scenes and gloomiest hours - always, always; and if there be a soft breeze upon your cheek, it shall be my breath; or the cool air fans your throbbing temple, it shall be my spirit passing by.

Sarah, do not mourn me dead; think I am gone and wait for thee, for we shall meet again.

As for my little boys, they will grow as I have done, and never know a father's love and care. Little Willie is too young to remember me long, and my blue eyed Edgar will keep my frolics with him among the dimmest memories of his childhood. Sarah, I have unlimited confidence in your maternal care and your development of their characters. Tell my two mothers his and hers I call God's blessing upon them. O Sarah, I wait for you there! Come to me, and lead thither my children.

Sullivan

My 365

Photography is a massive passion of mine. Ultimately, I hope it pays all my bills someday. Until then, I'm forced to keep it on the side; doing small shoots, learning new tricks, and currently a project called 365, are all keeping me entertained!

365 is a project I discovered on Flickr, and it involves taking a self portrait everyday for a year. It forces you to be creative, to make the same subject, yourself, be somehow different and interesting everyday. Granted, life intereferes and not all of my photos are even post-worthy, but I try to put in an effort whenever possible. But in the end, its not really about being excellent or perfect, but about documenting your life everyday for a whole year.

I started on January 1st, feel free to follow my journey!

Come Back To Me

My love and I attend different colleges, hundreds of miles apart. It is hard...so unbearably hard to be away from the person that completes you. However, we endure, for each other.

I find it amazing what our love is capable of. I had this vision in my head of what love would be like, all according to the way its portrayed in silly romantic movies. It both failed and exceeded those preconceived notions.

Failed in all the general ways that it does. Its hard, it takes work, its messy, you hurt, you cry, you argue, but at the end of the day you'd rather be fighting and angry, than live without the other.

Exceeded in ways that I never dreamed. There is a confidence that I gain from both the love that I give, and the love received. It is deeper, so much deeper, than whether I feel beautiful or not. It is a confidence that makes me feel like nothing is out of reach. All of my dreams, my goals, my desires, they're attainable. The amount of support that comes with our love makes anything possible. I can achieve anything, strive for anything, be anything. Failure does not exist. And no matter the outcome, he will always stand behind me, ready to catch me, should I fall.

It is a love that is sustained and has even grown through the months of distance. A love that astounds me in it force and cripples me with its strength. A love that I simply want to return to my arms and never be so far away again.

I'm Madison

But my name is not as important as who I am! I'm currently in college, working my butt off toward a degree in advertising and photography. I'm in love with a man who's away more than home. I'm a romantic, a dreamer, a singer-in-the-showerer, and perhaps a bit neurotic.

My life is insane, but I wouldn't change a thing. There is good and there is bad. It's a mess, but I find it beautiful. Welcome, to this beautiful mess, also known as my life.